1 Nov 2024 Anxious IV

 1 Nov 2024

A day of anxiety. So many things to be anxious about. 

Responded to the boss. no response. Wonder what he is going to say/do next. Anticipation can be nerve-breaking. 

Again fought with colleague. Actually my obsession for truth is peculiar yet funny. I just cannot have things I don't know. So I need to know everything. But actually I already know everything. So I want to verify everything. And pick up things that I may not know. So what's the point? No point. 

I come to learn that at the end of the day, I am pushing a battle that has no conquerable results or profits. And I tend to be the one that stand to lose. But why do I do it. Because I cannot accept truth to not be the truth I want. Hahas. So is that still the real truth? Anxiety is a form of expression that goes by how truth itself needs to be because I can never know the past, present or future. 

Why the need to know? Actually the colleague is not the target even. Just a guinea pig. I am always after something very abstract. But overtime I got to understand it better and clearer. I get to see why it cannot be achieved. The ultimatum. I realize why so. Because this world is just so big. It is so big that it cannot be contained. Every individual is so small like ants but yet they can be as big as the ocean. Thereby I know, it is all within the mind and heart of individuals. 

I pushed it till the limit to get an answer. This answer was no difference from every past previous encounter. Therefore I know it is the same damn thing again. I get locked in into the same thing. The minute something is hidden from me. I get all flustered. I chase after it to unveal it. But many of times ppl will not even want to reveal anything because they fear the unknown. But my fear of the unknown lead me to open up and see Medusa's eyes. For each time I see, I know this is 'reality'. But is it truly. Actually very easy to discount it. Therefore, I have failed again. 

~Anxiousssssol