29 Oct 2024 Anxious I

29 Oct 2024

The management team continued a prolonged meeting taking many weeks to discuss operations. Still not done. Wars between different departments. The meeting that I dread. I usually disappear from meetings when I have a chance. Actually, I don't even recognize myself as part of any management. Haix, but I am old enough alr. 30. Cannot be a small little boy already. That's so tough. 

Though I had a lot of thoughts, and a lot of predictive models running different simulations on what would happen, I kept quiet. I kept quiet not because I understood 道. But because I am afraid. I don't know how to maneuver the juggle. So many people with so many agendas. It is to me a mess. A mess that once entered cannot come out in peace and safety. But this mess includes everyone. Perhaps everyone is anxious as well. They all believe they doing their best lols. Who knows right?

But in the end I finished the meeting via online remote. So in a way I hide again. Hahas. Gosh. This is so terrible. What to do. I can hide as long as I can lor. At the end, the meeting just like any other meeting before to me is no conclusion. 

Also had to meet a new vendor, gosh have to on camera. Actually, I dread to on cameras. I am a shadow. But the world of professionalism or maybe to me, the world of games and the rise of the ladder, I need to show myself. But I don't know how. So many of times I portray a modified grandeur version. But each time I panic inside, Sweat inside. What to do. So tough. 

I also don't know if I want to rise or don't want to rise. I just know meeting new people, trying to decipher the codex of social operations is a hell pain in the neck. And a lot of times I just kind. Technically the more transactional the meeting, the easier for me. Gosh, I just wish the world is all bartering of benefits and costs. But it is already. Every other perceptions may just not be real anyways. Who knows. Make you feel good to take your money. Hahas. 

~Anxiousssssol