30 Oct 2024 Anxious II

 30 Oct 2024

Fought with one colleague for super long. Don't get what colleague trying to do. Yet, colleague don't want to express fully. Or at least to me, something is still hiding. Gosh. Why can't ppl be fully transparent to me? But do I care even if they are fully transparent? Maybe not. I was just hoping to satisfy my need to know it all in case there is a blind spot I didn't see. But gosh, humans, why can't they just speak their mind. Is that so damn hard? Perhaps it is. I too don't speak my mind that I want/need to know it all. But what's wrong really to know it all? Certainly selfish it is. No difference to those who don't speak their mind. In the end, humans vs humans. Pointless perhaps at the end. 

Though I reckon that from my side, this colleague is worthless to me to be used already. There's no way I can utilize this colleague at all in any forms because of the long lasting distrust and communications failures. But yet, I can't just fire the colleague. I wish I could man sometimes. But I also don't know what I want from this. Perhaps the colleague also waiting to see what I want. Now I know why professionalism work. Just do the culling and the cutting. Ignore everything. If it is that simple perhaps. Am I a fake hypocrite kind person? Perhaps I am. Argh, gosh so tough. All I know is I want to fix things. But it keeps not being fix. Gosh, why is it so hard. At the end, the inevitable always happen. But the inevitable could have happen from the start without fighting. Perhaps. 

Sometimes I wonder if life is inevitable or I made it inevitable. Who knows right. Because concretely I am always advancing. Today for me is always technically better than yesterday. Well, certainly in the dimensions I can control. But in the other dimensions that I can't I also can't really be bothered. Isn't that the same for everyone? So how come things become inevitable or evitable?

Boss and management team escalated perhaps in my view to another dimension. They want to reward performance. Go a long route, involve so many ppl even on a festival day. Gosh, the poor colleague that had to bother with all of these. Have to play with so many clowns (hahas) to reward performance when performance is almost so minimal (to me concrete performance). Then again, what outcomes is outcomes. Perhaps the more I find all these ppl amusing the more serious they think they are working. That's life isn't it. Perhaps this is 道。Oh wells, at least for this event, I am simply watching the show.

But I have some slight worry. I worry I have to react to this later. So again I try to preempt, listen, get information. Haix, perhaps I should just ignore it right? Why? Gosh. The poor colleague came to talk to me later at the end. The poor colleague missed an early leave to celebrate when it was deserved. The poor colleague appear to me super stressed. But I cannot really feel. Gosh my ASD. Why can't I feel other ppl? But I can analyzed. And as usual I want to help. But how to help when I cannot feel? Gosh

~Anxiousssssol