2 Nov 2024 Anxious VII

 2 Nov 2024

Continue fighting with colleague. The focus to get to the bottom of 'truth' is impressive. And what 'truth'. The 'truth' behind human nature. But yet, I cannot do randomized controlled trials and A/B testing effectively. Because the fluidity and variance of the human interactions is very difficult to control. But there is cause and effect. Switching on some cause will lead to some effects.

People are often in their perceptions. I wonder if perceptions are known to be construct, why aren't all constructs destroyed. Constructs such as order and law destroyed. Constructs such as monogamous and polygamous destroyed. Actually they are 'destroyed'. Because not all follows them. Yet, why they exists. Because they are also people who choose to follow them. Oh gosh, lols. The world is just so random. 

I have a peculiar obsession. the obsession to know. If people don't tell me how they think about me, I will beat them until they feel disgusted about me. Then I know, lols. Do I feel sad about it? In early years when I was still young yes. After awhile, I realize actually I truly don't care. Because ppl who can change their perceptions are not worthy. And that makes most ppl. Then the question is still why I still want to beat them till they show me their actual actions upon disgusted. Because I also want to know if there are other possibilities. To me, I want to know what are the different paths and the different paths cause and effects, and how they all come to pass. I want to know the past, present and future. So actually what I am obsessed with is control. 

But in the large scheme of things, I do genuinely belief there should be heaven and everyone should be under heaven. Yet, I realize many ppl don't care about the concept of heaven. If they do care, they have their own heavens. It could even be the toilet. Then now I know actually, ppl just don't believe in a single universal 'law'. Yet, at any one point in time, they may be unhappy. So who gets to be on the path to eternal joy? That is something I really wonders. If mortals cannot come together to build heaven together. Then they accuse me of playing God. To them, just let ppl be. It is a statement to me loaded with so much selfishness and naiveism. Then, what about the concept of heaven. That is also selfishness and naiveism to others eyes. Because ppl do not believe a heaven for everyone. They believe their own heaven. Yet, never try how can you know? But all these are irrelevant. Because my learnings tell me it is impossible. So yet I failed. But I have tried sufficiently and absolutely to the fullest limits possible. 

What is happiness? Happiness is a farce. Happiness is also real. Is there really happiness? Now I know. 

I want true happiness. This is a loaded farce statement. What is true happiness? 

There are things I can see. But there are things I cannot see. There are things I know. But there are things I do not know. And knowledge comes from seeing and not seeing. Then how do I know?

I advocate for destruction of all rules/norms but yet built on layers and layers of rules/norms. Best, is I want to bend seemingly constrasting rules/norms together. Now then this defines me as a real person. But what's a real person? Is there no real person? This thinking in itself is not wrong. But it does not represent everything. 

I thought I am real. People think I am fake. I put on an act, people think that's real me. So what's real? I exists. Yet, I am a farce. Farce exists. So farce is real. 

I control the face I give. The terror I give is controlled. The goodness I give is controlled. So what's not controlled? The uncontrolled reactions to pull out different face. Is it necessary? As a mortal human, naturally I already have many face. Is it necessary to deliberate every single face. So many face, yet 1 person. 1 face yet so many person. Is it necessary to over act what was the beginning?

Everyday the real me is changing. So which is the real me in any point in time. Just because I control the path I walk for the past 30 years, does that make me a real me? Everybody changes. So how am I that different from others? Am I not a human?

In all, I am satisfied. 

~Anxiousssssol